Thursday, April 16, 2009

It's one hell of a workout.

I am lucky to be writing this. I am lucky to be writing anything. It is a good thing that a keyboard requires the barest minimum of energy expenditure to use. My arms are dead. I have begun the 30 day Shred.

The 30 Day Shred? you ask. What is that? Well, it is a 20 minute torture fest helmed by that she-devil, Jillian Michaels. Yes, that Jillian Michaels. The Jillian Michaels who bullies motivates the participants on the Biggest Loser. I must admit that I have not watched the show. Ever. So I was not prepared.

But is is only 20 minutes you say. How bad could 20 minutes be? Well let's discuss the aforementioned arms. It is true that they are not sore. They are not achy. The sad truth is I cannot feel them at all. AT ALL. They are useless flesh sticks dangling sadly off of my shoulders. My 7 month old does not understand why I can't pick her up and administer to her needs. I have to change diapers with my toes and mouth. She had to learn to feed herself. Oh and we have to spend our days in my bedroom because I cannot get out of bed. Why?

The abs. Oh the abs. I have had a baby. I had slightly prolonged Abdominal Diastisis. I was pretty sure that I didn't have abs anymore. Then along came Jillian Michaels and hey, wow, what do you know. I do have abs. And now that don't work. They are so sore they won't support my upper body. So it's good that I am staying in bed. I am pretty sure I would scare my daughter if I shuffled around the house flopped over at the waist with my arms dangling to the floor.

But surely you could leave the bed. I mean, you could at least hang out on the couch. Then the baby could use her exersaucer and play with her toys. Well sure I could, I could head DOWN THE STAIRS. But that would require moving my legs. Not shuffling but actually creating an angle with my knees. I would have to lift one leg and place it on a stair and then that leg would have to be able to support my body as the other leg descended. Oh and they would have to do this on their own, no help from my arms. Oh and did I mention that my daughter weighs more than 20 pounds? It's not like I can roll her down the stairs so presumably I will have to figure out how to strap her securely to my body. 'Cuz I can't use my arms, remember?

Although rolling may be an idea. I could fashion some kind of counter-weight elevator device to lower my daughter to the bottom of the stairs. I could then coach her on crawling (she hasn't quite got the fine points down yet). Once she is out of the way I could roll myself down the stairs and using that momentum I could make it to the kitchen. Once there I could use my freakishly dexterous feet and toes to prepare some food. Although once I am there I am pretty sure I could not get myself up off the floor. And the kitchen floor is cold... and hard... and dirty.

Okay so no go. Baby can hang here. She's got all the food she needs and I am pretty sure I left a granola bar somewhere around here. I'm good.

But I am pretty sure the 30 day Shred is supposed to be done 30 days in a row. Hmmm. HMMMMMM.

Not gonna happen.

1 comment:

  1. Oh. My. Goodness. I sure hope you'll be recovered by Saturday morning :)